There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...