you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
