They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.