They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.