thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
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I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."