Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.