I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
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Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit