Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge