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Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
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