She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.