I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones