He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
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I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he had hair everywhere except his balls