Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?