I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.