so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
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it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
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Intervention is following me on twitter.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level