I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one