I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
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trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
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This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.