my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
