I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me