I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
