Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.