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Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
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