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Last Night in Illinois (815)

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Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.

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(815): Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa. http://tfl.nu/kz18

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Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.

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(815): Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience. http://tfl.nu/8crb

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I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.

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(815): I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her. http://tfl.nu/4xcm

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I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself

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(815): I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself http://tfl.nu/6sc5

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My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.

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(815): My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time. http://tfl.nu/dmh2

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Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?

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(815): Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction? http://tfl.nu/2awn

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This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.

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(815): This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years. http://tfl.nu/zacn

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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy

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(815): My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy http://tfl.nu/f1hz

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I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.

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(815): I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex. http://tfl.nu/6un6

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You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you

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(815): You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you http://tfl.nu/fukp

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i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD

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(815): i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD http://tfl.nu/w0y8

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Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me

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(815): Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me http://tfl.nu/z1h9

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he ran through my sliding door

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in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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(815): he ran through my sliding door (1-815): in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers http://tfl.nu/3l97

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Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.

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(815): Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now. http://tfl.nu/afd9

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Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..

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(815): Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won.. http://tfl.nu/wk4z

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Last Night in Illinois (815)

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