I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dating After Heartbreak
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.