you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.