My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
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I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
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No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her