I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
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You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on