I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke