Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
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Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
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My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes