I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.