I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
theres a video...