Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
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She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
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Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name