Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.