The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.