Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
New York to be Host to Americaâ€™s Biggest Singles Event
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Kylie Jenner Wasnâ€™t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...