the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.