I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.