apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
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She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.