apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?