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She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
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