We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.