Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"