Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me