She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.