Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.