I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
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you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
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And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.