I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
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you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
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And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.