I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .