I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If You LOL At These 18 Tweets, You’re Probably A Terrible Person
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .