I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
