i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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