This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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