I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
