OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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