I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.