He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.