Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.