I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
Me, myself and I
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?