Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer