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They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
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