Texts From Last Night

Last Night in California (415)

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  Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".

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  (415): Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed". http://tfl.nu/ptkf
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  From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.

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  (415): From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle. http://tfl.nu/bjh3
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  MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?

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  (415): MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone? http://tfl.nu/5bs9
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  i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.

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  (415): i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me. http://tfl.nu/4nn8
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  He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.

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  .......................................

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  My thoughts exactly.

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  (415): He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic. (650): ....................................... (415): My thoughts exactly. http://tfl.nu/05rl
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  he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.

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  (415): he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you. http://tfl.nu/17uy
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  I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone

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  (415): I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone http://tfl.nu/hnp6
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  I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc

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  (415): I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc http://tfl.nu/b6p3
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  I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.

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  (415): I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic. http://tfl.nu/mbng
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  Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?

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  (415): Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust? http://tfl.nu/brsq
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  Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.

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  (415): Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit. http://tfl.nu/wqn3
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  Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila

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  (415): Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila http://tfl.nu/mhdt
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  If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%

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  (415): If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49% http://tfl.nu/98jc
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  dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint

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  (415): dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint http://tfl.nu/6bee
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  there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am

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  (415): there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am http://tfl.nu/m06t
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