This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?